my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
