I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
