My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
These tits shall not be calmed
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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