I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
