My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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