I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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