Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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