I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
