Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
This house was built for laser tag.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
