i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
