Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
