my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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