So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
