I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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