dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize