Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
