remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
