Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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