I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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