Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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