Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
