My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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