he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
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