Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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