Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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