The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Panties = found
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize