I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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