i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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