at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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