he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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