I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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