I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
