I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
