the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
