is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
