She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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