The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
