i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
