i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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