Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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