True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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