I didn't shave. On purpose
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
