Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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