I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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