Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think your dad took our porno
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
