swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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