i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
