she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
