Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
