I could make wine with my vomit
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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