i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
