I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
