just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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