I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I need moral support for this bender
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
That accounts for only three of the penises
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
