Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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