Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
