so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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