i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
