Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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