I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
