dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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