there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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