Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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