Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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