Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
