I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
