I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
